I absolutely love baking. It's fun, exciting, challenging. In a strangely intense way, it's relaxing, almost meditative. Active meditation I believe is the term.
But a lot of people love baking! you say. They don't all own bakeries!
This is quite true. Perhaps we should explore this further...
Are you cut out for the bakery business? (Bakers)
1) Do you like baking?
Yes. Good. That will come in handy.
No. Hmm... Perhaps this is not the right line of work for you. Unless of course you're interested in the business aspects of the project, in which case there is still hope. However, you should probably go find your own survey. It will likely be titled something along the lines of "Are you cut out for the bakery business? (Business or financial-type people)."
2) Do you REALLY like baking? Like, a lot? Enough to skip going to a party in order to try a new recipe or make sure your cookie dough cools appropriately?
Yes. Excellent! If you have any doubts, turn back now. Beyond this point you're pretty committed.
No. Not a fatal flaw. A social life is a good idea, after all. If you think you're going to combine party and baking, maybe think again. Or at the very least, don't eat those strange-looking things sitting on top of your oven in the morning.
3) If you had to, would you bake all night?
Yes. Strong work ethic. Good. That will come in handy around holidays.
No. Well, you know, sleep is good. And sleep-deprived baking can be dangerous. But sometimes an all-nighter is just necessary. Surely, if nothing else, uni taught us this?
4) If you had the opportunity, would you CHOOSE to bake all night?
Yes. Really? That's pretty cool. As long as you have enough caffeine to keep you alert. Loud music helps too, if you can get away with it.
No. Probably not many people would. It is, however, one of those quirky things that could come in real handy if you wanted to, you know, own a bakery.
5) When is the best time for baking?
Morning. Getting an early start. Good thinking. Now you have all day to get things mixed, cooled, baked, or set. Or all of the above. And no matter what, by the end of the day, you will have something to show for your work. Though, you should know that most bakeries open in the morning. So it's usually better to have things done before then. Baking in the morning might look a bit last-minute. Unless your bakery opens at night. Hmm... There might be something in that...
Afternoon. This is a good time for making quick things. A treat for after dinner. Awkward timing for any longer recipes, though.
Evening. Good opportunity here. Got a recipe that needs to chill or sit overnight? Start it now, go to bed, or whatever, then finish it in the morning! It's much less frustrating than having to wait around, conscious, for hours on end. Let your dreams fill the time!
Late at night. This is the ideal time to start an all-nighter. Or if you just want to surprise people in the morning. Either way.
Graveyard shift. Huh. Well... either you've stayed up this late, in which case, why didn't you just bake earlier? Or you specifically woke up this early in order to bake. In which case... what the hell is wrong with you?
All the time! Right. Enthusiasm is good, but you do know there are other aspects of life, right? Vegetables, for example.
6) Do you enjoy experimental baking?
Yes. Cool. You can build up a repertoire of innovative recipes that will give your bakery a uniquely-you feel. Just make sure that other people (customers) like your experiments as well.
No. Sticking with the tried and true is okay. But bear in mind that small businesses have a higher fatality rate than... something with a high fatality rate... and if you don't have anything to distinguish you from every other bakery out there, it could make for hard going. Maybe you should find someone to experiment on your behalf.
7) If an experiment fails, how do you react?
Cry. It happens. It probably means that you've been at it for too long, without enough sleep or sustenance. Eat a fruit or vegetable of your choice, order in (Chinese is good), and fall asleep watching your favourite movie. Leave off baking until you feel up to it again.
Laugh. Good for you. Way to shake it off. Though if your laughter is maniacal, it might mean that your experiment-gone-wrong has turned you into a super villain. If this is the case, you must find a super hero, for whom you can be an arch nemesis, as soon as possible. There are probably agencies.
Sulk. Look, you really don't have anyone to blame but yourself, and no one wants to hear your whining. Find your book of favourite recipes (surely you have one?). Read through it while eating a pint of your favourite ice cream. Now snap out of it.
Become violent. Because a tantrum is the way to solve all of life's problems, right? Either take some anger management courses, or find a new career. Perhaps caber-tossing?
Make people eat it anyway. This is called sadism. You may be interested in the works of the Marquis de Sade, whence comes the term. Also, you should probably get out of the baking business before you get arrested. Or become the target of various plots for revenge.
Try again immediately. Good job getting back on the horse! Your failed project could be spreading some bad mojo, though, so make sure this isn't a vengeful rebake. Those will generally turn out even worse and/or end up killing someone.
Try again eventually. That's ok. Give it some time. That way you can be certain whether it was the circumstances or if the recipe was really that crap. And act accordingly.
8) If an experiment succeeds, how do you react?
Cry. Tears of joy, right? Or relief? Those are acceptable. Otherwise... you may want to consider a serious change in lifestyle.
Laugh. An expected response to success. Now, quickly, write down everything you just did. Then share your success with others. And maybe have a small gloat. Small.
Become violent. Happy violence? Or you were hoping to fail? Either way, these nice people in white will take you somewhere comfortable and quiet. Come on, into the van.
Well there you have it. Let's just assume that I have drawn a conclusion of some sort, and skip to the next question. Does anyone want to help me open a bakery?
19 November 2008
10 November 2008
The people I met today
A brief study.
Exhibit A: Brian
Not much to tell, except that he was gorgeous. Mega gorgeous. Insta-jelloid gorgeous. It's been a long time since I've seen anyone that beautiful. Up close, I mean.
Exhibit B: Bella
I'd say she was probably two, two and a half. I was waiting for the train, when all of a sudden a very small person is practically in my lap, saying "hello" and a bunch of other things in toddler jabber which I couldn't understand. I responded with a "hello" of my own. I made a bracelet about a week ago, and she was interested as soon as she saw it. "What is that?" she asked. "I made it," I said. I suppose technically I didn't actually answer her question, but she seemed perfectly satisfied with my response. The next thing out of her mouth was "I want it." "You want it?" "Yes." "Okay." I took the bracelet off and gave it to her. "It might be a little big," I said. It was. In fact, even pushed all the way up to her shoulder, it was much too large. Ah well. She ran off to show her mother, and I picked up my pen to continue work on a story I've been writing. Her mother must have chided her, because the next thing I know she's holding the bracelet out to me, declaring simply, "I don't want it anymore." Well then. I guess I'll take it back. Suddenly she climbs up on the bench next to me, takes my pen and paper, and starts to draw a picture. Most of what she says is unintelligible to me, but as far as I can gather it's a picture of the ocean. She keeps going on about the bubbles in the water and "you can't just jump in." Well, we sat pleasantly until the train arrived, at which point I told her that she should probably go back to her mother. As I stepped on the train, I realized that the two of them were not coming, and Bella seemed very distressed about the fact. I don't think I've ever made such a strong impact on someone in such a short time. I was rather touched.
Bella's Picture
Exhibit C: Bernard
Huzzah for skeezy old men. ("Old," in this instance merely meaning "too old for me." He was probably only 40-something.) They fill a very important societal niche. Namely, the niche that skeezy young men fill when the get old. Less huzzah is their need to express their skeeziness by hitting on young women. Me, for example. I was waiting, of course, for yet another train. This time I was already in the middle of writing when the interruption came. "Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?" It was 12:02 pm. Excellent. I have done my duty to a fellow citizen (even though we are citizens of different countries). I thoroughly expected all interaction to stop there, but I was mistaken. A standard question followed: "Are you from around here?" Ok, so first of all, If I am from around here, I would probably be slightly annoyed with the question. He undoubtedly heard my accent when I told him the time, which means he probably knew that I am from somewhere else. In fact, I very much doubt that he would have asked the question otherwise. "No, I'm from Seattle." Not true, technically. This is the answer I give when I'm not really interested in the conversation. Though follow-up questions are inevitable, "Seattle" has fewer of them, mostly because people have actually heard of it. "Olympia" or "the Seattle area" are consistently greeted with "where's that" or "what part" type questions. So I kept it simple. "Seattle!" he sounded so amazed. Why, though? I have an American accent. It stands to reason, therefore, that I am probably from America. In which case, I live somewhere very far away. It really doesn't matter what part of the country I'm from; it's going to be far away. And, as previously discussed, since he probably already knew I was from the US, the amazement seemed entirely unnecessary. Perhaps he wanted to impress me with his amazement. Maybe false awe is a flirting technique I'm not familiar with. At any rate, the next question caught me completely off guard. "So are you single?" Um... what? I thought the point of flirting was to be subtle? I was so surprised by the directness that I simply said the first thing that came into my head. "Uh... I guess so." He laughed and said that he liked my answer, at which point I added some (entirely false) details about a budding but failed romance back home. It seemed like a story that would fit my rather strange statement. His next question ("Do you have a phone number?") was so obvious that I said "No" out of reflex. This is absolutely untrue. In fact, when he asked the time in order to initiate conversation, I checked my phone. It occured to me that he might have seen this, and while I didn't want to encourage him, I also didn't want to seem like a complete ass. So I fed him some waffle about having a phone but no SIM card. I'm pretty sure that without a SIM card you can still see the time and make emergency calls, so it seemed like a plausible lie. I was very pleased with myself. After lecturing at length about the best places to get a prepaid SIM, he gave me his phone number, which I dutifully wrote down (though wouldn't it have been funny If I had forgotten myself and put it in my phone?), again so as not to appear as an ass. Finally the time came for us to part ways, at which point I said, "It was very nice to meet you." He responded with an epic "Yeah, see you later then." Hmm... I know I wasn't entirely truthful. The real question is, did he realize how wrong his statement was?
So there you have it. A nice diverse sampling of the Brisbane population. I suppose I should mention at this point that I've changed everyone's names. Except Seattle and Olympia. I left those ones the same.
Exhibit A: Brian
Not much to tell, except that he was gorgeous. Mega gorgeous. Insta-jelloid gorgeous. It's been a long time since I've seen anyone that beautiful. Up close, I mean.
Exhibit B: Bella
I'd say she was probably two, two and a half. I was waiting for the train, when all of a sudden a very small person is practically in my lap, saying "hello" and a bunch of other things in toddler jabber which I couldn't understand. I responded with a "hello" of my own. I made a bracelet about a week ago, and she was interested as soon as she saw it. "What is that?" she asked. "I made it," I said. I suppose technically I didn't actually answer her question, but she seemed perfectly satisfied with my response. The next thing out of her mouth was "I want it." "You want it?" "Yes." "Okay." I took the bracelet off and gave it to her. "It might be a little big," I said. It was. In fact, even pushed all the way up to her shoulder, it was much too large. Ah well. She ran off to show her mother, and I picked up my pen to continue work on a story I've been writing. Her mother must have chided her, because the next thing I know she's holding the bracelet out to me, declaring simply, "I don't want it anymore." Well then. I guess I'll take it back. Suddenly she climbs up on the bench next to me, takes my pen and paper, and starts to draw a picture. Most of what she says is unintelligible to me, but as far as I can gather it's a picture of the ocean. She keeps going on about the bubbles in the water and "you can't just jump in." Well, we sat pleasantly until the train arrived, at which point I told her that she should probably go back to her mother. As I stepped on the train, I realized that the two of them were not coming, and Bella seemed very distressed about the fact. I don't think I've ever made such a strong impact on someone in such a short time. I was rather touched.
Bella's Picture
Exhibit C: Bernard
Huzzah for skeezy old men. ("Old," in this instance merely meaning "too old for me." He was probably only 40-something.) They fill a very important societal niche. Namely, the niche that skeezy young men fill when the get old. Less huzzah is their need to express their skeeziness by hitting on young women. Me, for example. I was waiting, of course, for yet another train. This time I was already in the middle of writing when the interruption came. "Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?" It was 12:02 pm. Excellent. I have done my duty to a fellow citizen (even though we are citizens of different countries). I thoroughly expected all interaction to stop there, but I was mistaken. A standard question followed: "Are you from around here?" Ok, so first of all, If I am from around here, I would probably be slightly annoyed with the question. He undoubtedly heard my accent when I told him the time, which means he probably knew that I am from somewhere else. In fact, I very much doubt that he would have asked the question otherwise. "No, I'm from Seattle." Not true, technically. This is the answer I give when I'm not really interested in the conversation. Though follow-up questions are inevitable, "Seattle" has fewer of them, mostly because people have actually heard of it. "Olympia" or "the Seattle area" are consistently greeted with "where's that" or "what part" type questions. So I kept it simple. "Seattle!" he sounded so amazed. Why, though? I have an American accent. It stands to reason, therefore, that I am probably from America. In which case, I live somewhere very far away. It really doesn't matter what part of the country I'm from; it's going to be far away. And, as previously discussed, since he probably already knew I was from the US, the amazement seemed entirely unnecessary. Perhaps he wanted to impress me with his amazement. Maybe false awe is a flirting technique I'm not familiar with. At any rate, the next question caught me completely off guard. "So are you single?" Um... what? I thought the point of flirting was to be subtle? I was so surprised by the directness that I simply said the first thing that came into my head. "Uh... I guess so." He laughed and said that he liked my answer, at which point I added some (entirely false) details about a budding but failed romance back home. It seemed like a story that would fit my rather strange statement. His next question ("Do you have a phone number?") was so obvious that I said "No" out of reflex. This is absolutely untrue. In fact, when he asked the time in order to initiate conversation, I checked my phone. It occured to me that he might have seen this, and while I didn't want to encourage him, I also didn't want to seem like a complete ass. So I fed him some waffle about having a phone but no SIM card. I'm pretty sure that without a SIM card you can still see the time and make emergency calls, so it seemed like a plausible lie. I was very pleased with myself. After lecturing at length about the best places to get a prepaid SIM, he gave me his phone number, which I dutifully wrote down (though wouldn't it have been funny If I had forgotten myself and put it in my phone?), again so as not to appear as an ass. Finally the time came for us to part ways, at which point I said, "It was very nice to meet you." He responded with an epic "Yeah, see you later then." Hmm... I know I wasn't entirely truthful. The real question is, did he realize how wrong his statement was?
So there you have it. A nice diverse sampling of the Brisbane population. I suppose I should mention at this point that I've changed everyone's names. Except Seattle and Olympia. I left those ones the same.
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