I JUST BOUGHT A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF CANNED TOMATOES

Don't be stupid. Of course I didn't. I don't even like tomatoes. I just thought that if I ever did get up to such amazingly uncharacteristic shopping, everyone would want to know. I can only assume this is amazon's philosophy with their "Share your purchase" option. It seems the page of faces (and it's various chirpy cousins) has rather launched us into a world where privacy, though still possible for now, is not necessary.  A few years ago constant updates on location, company, mood and activities would have been oversharing at best, migraine-inducing at worst.  But now it just happens.  Kelly found the remote.  Patty's feelings are hurt.  JonJon has perfected his chin-ups.  I don't really want to delve into a deconstruction of facebook.  (Really it's been done and overdone and nothing has changed, so what's the point?)  I'd just like to make a small observation, and then move on.

Small observation: Facebook, et al, is turning all of your friends into clingy girlfriends.  Think on it.

Moving on... or back actually.  Back to amazon.  And... sharing my purchase.  I wanted to see how far I could follow the logic.  So let's begin.  And just so everyone is clear, this in not an actual conversation.  I don't run around talking to merchant websites.  I'm not that crazy.

Amazon: We notice you bought some stuff.  Good job, you savvy capitalist you.  Now... wouldn't you like to tell everyone you know?  Share your purchase.
Me: Oh no, thank you.
Amazon: Ok, sure.  Well here's your order confirmation... and while we're here, wouldn't you like to... Share your purchase.
Me: Really, that isn't necessary.
Amazon: But it is!  Your friends should know!
Me: If I want them to know, I can tell them.
Amazon: We're glad to see that you are coming around.  Share your purchase.
Me: No, I mean I can tell them.  Myself.  With words.
Amazon: Yes!  Share--
Me: With my mouth and voice.  It's called speaking.
Amazon: We see you're very intent on keeping your shopping private.  Do you have something to hide?
Me: Excuse me?
Amazon: Why else would you be so resistant?
Me: Don't you think people share enough as it is?
Amazon: What? Never!  They're your friends; they want to know everything about you!
Me: They're friends, not stalkers.
Amazon: What's the difference?
Me: ... We're gonna slide past that one for now, but don't think I've forgotten you said it.  The point is, people are self-centered.
Internet: Yes.  It's sad.  We are here to help.  We bring connection and sharing.  We are here to help.
Me: Whoa, butt out internet.  This is between me and amazon.
Amazon: We are the same!  All the same!  We are here to help!
Me: Oh good, cheerful takeover.
Internet: We are here to help.
Me: Enough!  This is totally out of hand.  I don't know where the Rise of the Interweb Demons came from, but I was just trying to follow up on a little curiosity I found.
Facebook: Yes, curiosity is good.  About your friends and their friends.  You know they're curious about you...
Me: Stop ganging up!  Nobody is going to care if I buy some used books or discount batteries.  And they certainly don't want to know that Gramgram found a cheaper denture adhesive.  Or that (gods forbid) Creepy Uncle Merv got a sweet deal on gummy bears and duct tape.  Wait...
Amazon: See?  We don't know Merv, but maybe if he had Shared his purchase, things would have turned out better.  Yes?  Or suppose We are compromised and someone uses your funds to buy their things?  Might not your friends notice a sudden change in shopping habits?
Me: You know, they might.  If I informed everyone about every single item I buy--
Amazon: Share your purchase!
Me: --they might eventually notice a pattern.  And anyone paying enough attention might notice a deviation...
Amazon: It's all there.
Me: But this begs a pretty big question.
Amazon: What's that?
Me: WHY, after hacking my account, stealing my money, buying on my credit, did this would-be cyberthief TELL EVERYONE?
Amazon: He Shared his purchase.

Well that... that happened.  I'm not sure what exactly but...  Here's what I do know:
* Don't share your purchase.  If you want people to know that badly, write a shitty poem and post that instead.  It will achieve the same purpose, but be a helluva lot more interesting on the receiving end.
* The internet is out there.  Be careful.
* The Uprising is further away than I thought.  The machines, the cyber demons, the maniacal supercomputer?  They don't stand a chance until they figure out human nature.  Lucky for us, we don't make a damn bit of sense.  We're crazy, unpredictable, emotional.  And at the same time we're sane, obvious, boring.  Our numbers are growing at unbelievable rates.  Each one of us is unique, with worlds upon worlds hiding inside.  I don't care if a psychic-genius-alien-robot-zombie-devil-dinosaur-computer-shaman lands tomorrow.  By the time it figures out everything there is to know about us, we'll have forgotten half of it and changed our minds about the rest.  Keep up the good work, everyone.  We'll make it to the future yet.

Well, crap

I wear my Schoolyard Heroes sweatshirt almost every day. It's warm enough on cool days, and it's cool enough any day. Plus, it tells the whole world "That's right, bitches, I know this awesome band." Every now and then someone will say "Oh, I love Schoolyard!" and I'll say "That's right you do." Because really, how could you not?

So imagine my dismay when I learned that this holiday season, the Heroes are giving us all a rocktastic present tied with a heartbreak bow. A reunion and farewell all rolled into one. I think I'll skip cliches on this one and go for simple instead: I understand, but I'm still super sad.

I know I don't have the authority to speak for all Schoolyard fans everywhere, but I'm going to do it anyway. We love you. We'll miss you. You are one of the cooliest, ghouliest bands out there, and the void you leave will be hard to fill. You've got big hearts, rockin' spirits and freaking fantastic hair. Wherever you go from here, we wish you all the best.

I'm so glad I had a chance to rock with y'all while I could. That little sweatshirt will certainly have new significance now. And of course, the offer for cookies still stands. Anytime, just ask.

I love you guys.

xoxo --Ashley Skye

Oh, and if you wanted to play Jonathan Harker on the 19th, I just might sell you my soul.

Because I can can can

Small fact that interests me:
I spent six months living in Oz, and now I have moved to the Emerald City.

Incidentally, what qualifies a fact as small? Can you have a large fact? I hear a "your mom" joke hiding in the background, but I don't have the patience or four-year-old mentality to coax it out.

Now that I am more or less settled in here, I wanted to share a few things. Why? See post subject.

-Parking is expensive! I know the city gets exciting income from parking and all its violations, but can't they have at least some free spots that aren't full of Greeks?
-I think someone is driving a remote control car around the parking lot across the street. Either that or there is an indecently huge spider running around. OR a crow that forgot how to fly. ... Or it's just a plastic bag. Nah, I'll stick with remote control.
-Free internet is a beautiful thing. Especially when it's wireless. And you don't have to walk 2.7km to get to it.
-Say no to drugs; say yes to windows. In this land of so little light, we must treasure every photon of it. I've lived in a basement. No matter how blue you paint the walls or how many sexy posters you put up, basements are cold and dark.
-Sedentary is an excellent word, but a terrible lifestyle. I can't wait to start work again.
-This is the first autumn I've had in two years. So far, it's been exactly what I would hope.
-Pay attention to your words. You never know how they will affect the world around you.
-I like living in Washington, and I am quite enjoying this new adventure I've undertaken, but I must admit that I miss hearing Australian accents every day.

"And so," she said, "let today be a good day full of good things. Let us rejoice in this rare moment of sun. Let us soak in the Vitamin D, and may it stimulate our pituitary with feelings of content and happiness. And let us store these feelings for the long dark winter ahead." And everyone replied, "Huzzah!" Or they would have, if there were anyone around.

I dreamt once that Bobby Kennedy was president

Ahh, remember the sixties? Well, I don't; I wasn't alive then. But every era has its legacy, and every legacy has… its soundtrack. Whether you remember them from when they first released or grew up with them thanks to your parents, the songs of the sixties are a prize in any music collection.

So why do I bring this up? Why do I conjure the ghost of music past? Because for the next four weeks, the sixties are alive and well in downtown Olympia. Harlequin Productions have worked their magic to bring some classic hits back to life. Sixties Chicks (currently running June 18-July 19) is, to put it simply, fantastic.

From a technical perspective, it’s brilliant. Lighting sets the mood for each song, while choreography and costumes exude 1960’s fabulousness. No aspect of production has been neglected. And when the show takes off? Prepare yourself because you’re in for a sizzling night of foot-tapping fun.

The chicks of Sixties Chicks have four superb voices: strong, clear and emotive. From solos to complete ensemble pieces, these women can really sing! The ladies are backed by a stunning five-man band. Together the guys and gals create music so danceable that I could barely stay in my seat.

Oh, but what of the plot? Aren’t we going to the theatre? My dear friends, you already know the story. It is written in the history books and in the hearts of everyone alive today. Civil rights and birth control, John Kennedy and Dr. King, these songs give voice to events that have affected the whole world.

So go, embark on this musical journey. Travel back through time and hum along with the heartbeat of an era past. If this show doesn’t leave you feeling vibrant and full of life, then I don’t know what will.

Subject?

Ok, so here's the thing. Romantic comedies build unrealistic expectations. I think everyone knows that. But for me, beyond temporarily expecting my own life to follow that same overused script, the unrealistic expectations also extend to my own behavior. After watching Love Actually or Ever After (two of my favorites), I find myself possessed by a strange courage. Yes! The world really is that simple! I will tell him how I feel, and all will be well. Or even if he rejects me, at least I will feel good about having spoken up.

Bullshit.

That euphoric feeling of "Act now!" doesn't stick. It certainly doesn't last long enough for me to put it into action, let on alone any permanent basis. So then I am plagued by unfinishable questions. "Should I have-?" "Do you think he-?" "What if I-?" Etcetera. And do you know what? They're the same questions I ask anyway. Even if all I'd done today was laundry (which I meant to, but that's another story), the exact same thoughts would still be using my brain as a treadmill. Only now there's also this sense of let-down. Of having been cheated. Of something not done.

But I wouldn't have done it. Even if he had been sitting right next to me at the peak of my cinema-induced bravery, I would still have kept my thoughts quiet. In fact, I think he has been sitting right next to me, and I didn't say a damn thing. So while I can instantly recognize my post-viewing fantasies as the fabrications they are, I actually believe for at least a few hours that this time I will do something different.

...

Which reminds me. It's 2009. Resolutions are traditional, are they not? I have two this year. I had two last year. Whether by accident or unconscious design, each of my pairs seems to have come with one labeled "possible" and the other labeled "likely." Though last year I was surprised by which one stuck, so we'll see. I guess that's what this year is for, right? Finding out?

Oh, right. The resolutions.
1) No more soda.
2) Learn to breathe algebra.

Good luck, everyone, and have a fulfilling year!

Adventure is in the air

Another dawn, another day

What a way

To start

Awake. Time? Three A.M. No alarm, no need (no blankets). I had turned of my light at 18 minutes past midnight. A little later than I had planned, but I had been sucked into Book Land. I remember waking up around 1:30, and again shortly after two. The air is still. Still and hot. I splash cold water on my face and decide to remind my brain that it is tired by reading. This has worked for me in the past. The concentration necessary to focus on words with eyes barely open usually puts me to sleep like a rabid dog. This time it doesn’t work so well. Picking up where I had left off at 12:18, the story quickly grabs my full attention. Finally at 4:18—a mere four hours after I thought I was bowing out for the night—I am ready for a second attempt at unconscious oblivion.

No such luck.

As I turn off the light, I spot the culprit responsible for my disrupted sleep patterns: the full moon. I should have known. I can see she’s on the way down, so I’m fairly certain that her influence will fade before too long. But then, I think, sunrise is only half an hour away. Maybe I’ll stay up to watch it before going back to bed. I set about making tea. While the water is boiling, I throw on some more-or-less presentable clothing and grab a few of the cookies I made last night. Once my tea is steeped and doctored, I head outside to watch the world wake up. It’s rather picturesque. What I’m seeing is not really the sun rising. It’s the changing effects of light on sky and cloud. The great chariot is hidden behind the neighboring buildings. My retinas are grateful for this fact, so I am content.

It is only on an intellectual level that I understand clouds. As I finish my tea, watching them make their slow but inexorable journey to the realm of Helios, my heart still tells me that they must be exempt from the laws of gravity. Some glide effortlessly, dancing through shapes of scone, buffalo, greyhound. (Buffalo is definitely a good sign.) Others hang impossibly still, perhaps caught in heavenly spider webs. Just north of east, the sun paints the nearest shape shifters in shades of peach and gold. Divine garments for the otherwise naked heavens. So much blue, blue everywhere.

I can’t possibly sleep. It is now into the fifth hour of the day, and a breeze has picked up. I opt for a shower and then a walk in the mercifully cool morning air. I wander down (and up) streets I’ve never travelled before. I see a few people. A mango tree. Frangipani everywhere, sweetly flavoring the gentle wind. I meet Lucinda, a beautiful dark silver-grey cat. She is very friendly, but on a mission of her own. She doesn’t stop for long. Eventually I reach a street I know and follow it to the end of my journey. My three hours of interrupted sleep are catching up with me, so I collapse on my bed and finally—finally—sink back into the land where dreams hold sway.

At around 10, I wake up singing Queen. That’s always a good sign.

I am destined to own a bakery

I absolutely love baking. It's fun, exciting, challenging. In a strangely intense way, it's relaxing, almost meditative. Active meditation I believe is the term.
But a lot of people love baking! you say. They don't all own bakeries!
This is quite true. Perhaps we should explore this further...

Are you cut out for the bakery business? (Bakers)

1) Do you like baking?
Yes. Good. That will come in handy.
No. Hmm... Perhaps this is not the right line of work for you. Unless of course you're interested in the business aspects of the project, in which case there is still hope. However, you should probably go find your own survey. It will likely be titled something along the lines of "Are you cut out for the bakery business? (Business or financial-type people)."

2) Do you REALLY like baking? Like, a lot? Enough to skip going to a party in order to try a new recipe or make sure your cookie dough cools appropriately?
Yes. Excellent! If you have any doubts, turn back now. Beyond this point you're pretty committed.
No. Not a fatal flaw. A social life is a good idea, after all. If you think you're going to combine party and baking, maybe think again. Or at the very least, don't eat those strange-looking things sitting on top of your oven in the morning.

3) If you had to, would you bake all night?
Yes. Strong work ethic. Good. That will come in handy around holidays.
No. Well, you know, sleep is good. And sleep-deprived baking can be dangerous. But sometimes an all-nighter is just necessary. Surely, if nothing else, uni taught us this?

4) If you had the opportunity, would you CHOOSE to bake all night?
Yes. Really? That's pretty cool. As long as you have enough caffeine to keep you alert. Loud music helps too, if you can get away with it.
No. Probably not many people would. It is, however, one of those quirky things that could come in real handy if you wanted to, you know, own a bakery.

5) When is the best time for baking?
Morning. Getting an early start. Good thinking. Now you have all day to get things mixed, cooled, baked, or set. Or all of the above. And no matter what, by the end of the day, you will have something to show for your work. Though, you should know that most bakeries open in the morning. So it's usually better to have things done before then. Baking in the morning might look a bit last-minute. Unless your bakery opens at night. Hmm... There might be something in that...
Afternoon. This is a good time for making quick things. A treat for after dinner. Awkward timing for any longer recipes, though.
Evening. Good opportunity here. Got a recipe that needs to chill or sit overnight? Start it now, go to bed, or whatever, then finish it in the morning! It's much less frustrating than having to wait around, conscious, for hours on end. Let your dreams fill the time!
Late at night. This is the ideal time to start an all-nighter. Or if you just want to surprise people in the morning. Either way.
Graveyard shift. Huh. Well... either you've stayed up this late, in which case, why didn't you just bake earlier? Or you specifically woke up this early in order to bake. In which case... what the hell is wrong with you?
All the time! Right. Enthusiasm is good, but you do know there are other aspects of life, right? Vegetables, for example.

6) Do you enjoy experimental baking?
Yes. Cool. You can build up a repertoire of innovative recipes that will give your bakery a uniquely-you feel. Just make sure that other people (customers) like your experiments as well.
No. Sticking with the tried and true is okay. But bear in mind that small businesses have a higher fatality rate than... something with a high fatality rate... and if you don't have anything to distinguish you from every other bakery out there, it could make for hard going. Maybe you should find someone to experiment on your behalf.

7) If an experiment fails, how do you react?
Cry. It happens. It probably means that you've been at it for too long, without enough sleep or sustenance. Eat a fruit or vegetable of your choice, order in (Chinese is good), and fall asleep watching your favourite movie. Leave off baking until you feel up to it again.
Laugh. Good for you. Way to shake it off. Though if your laughter is maniacal, it might mean that your experiment-gone-wrong has turned you into a super villain. If this is the case, you must find a super hero, for whom you can be an arch nemesis, as soon as possible. There are probably agencies.
Sulk. Look, you really don't have anyone to blame but yourself, and no one wants to hear your whining. Find your book of favourite recipes (surely you have one?). Read through it while eating a pint of your favourite ice cream. Now snap out of it.
Become violent. Because a tantrum is the way to solve all of life's problems, right? Either take some anger management courses, or find a new career. Perhaps caber-tossing?
Make people eat it anyway. This is called sadism. You may be interested in the works of the Marquis de Sade, whence comes the term. Also, you should probably get out of the baking business before you get arrested. Or become the target of various plots for revenge.
Try again immediately. Good job getting back on the horse! Your failed project could be spreading some bad mojo, though, so make sure this isn't a vengeful rebake. Those will generally turn out even worse and/or end up killing someone.
Try again eventually. That's ok. Give it some time. That way you can be certain whether it was the circumstances or if the recipe was really that crap. And act accordingly.

8) If an experiment succeeds, how do you react?
Cry. Tears of joy, right? Or relief? Those are acceptable. Otherwise... you may want to consider a serious change in lifestyle.
Laugh. An expected response to success. Now, quickly, write down everything you just did. Then share your success with others. And maybe have a small gloat. Small.
Become violent. Happy violence? Or you were hoping to fail? Either way, these nice people in white will take you somewhere comfortable and quiet. Come on, into the van.

Well there you have it. Let's just assume that I have drawn a conclusion of some sort, and skip to the next question. Does anyone want to help me open a bakery?