Don't be stupid. Of course I didn't. I don't even like tomatoes. I just thought that if I ever did get up to such amazingly uncharacteristic shopping, everyone would want to know. I can only assume this is amazon's philosophy with their "Share your purchase" option. It seems the page of faces (and it's various chirpy cousins) has rather launched us into a world where privacy, though still possible for now, is not necessary. A few years ago constant updates on location, company, mood and activities would have been oversharing at best, migraine-inducing at worst. But now it just happens. Kelly found the remote. Patty's feelings are hurt. JonJon has perfected his chin-ups. I don't really want to delve into a deconstruction of facebook. (Really it's been done and overdone and nothing has changed, so what's the point?) I'd just like to make a small observation, and then move on.
Small observation: Facebook, et al, is turning all of your friends into clingy girlfriends. Think on it.
Moving on... or back actually. Back to amazon. And... sharing my purchase. I wanted to see how far I could follow the logic. So let's begin. And just so everyone is clear, this in not an actual conversation. I don't run around talking to merchant websites. I'm not that crazy.
Amazon: We notice you bought some stuff. Good job, you savvy capitalist you. Now... wouldn't you like to tell everyone you know? Share your purchase.
Me: Oh no, thank you.
Amazon: Ok, sure. Well here's your order confirmation... and while we're here, wouldn't you like to... Share your purchase.
Me: Really, that isn't necessary.
Amazon: But it is! Your friends should know!
Me: If I want them to know, I can tell them.
Amazon: We're glad to see that you are coming around. Share your purchase.
Me: No, I mean I can tell them. Myself. With words.
Amazon: Yes! Share--
Me: With my mouth and voice. It's called speaking.
Amazon: We see you're very intent on keeping your shopping private. Do you have something to hide?
Me: Excuse me?
Amazon: Why else would you be so resistant?
Me: Don't you think people share enough as it is?
Amazon: What? Never! They're your friends; they want to know everything about you!
Me: They're friends, not stalkers.
Amazon: What's the difference?
Me: ... We're gonna slide past that one for now, but don't think I've forgotten you said it. The point is, people are self-centered.
Internet: Yes. It's sad. We are here to help. We bring connection and sharing. We are here to help.
Me: Whoa, butt out internet. This is between me and amazon.
Amazon: We are the same! All the same! We are here to help!
Me: Oh good, cheerful takeover.
Internet: We are here to help.
Me: Enough! This is totally out of hand. I don't know where the Rise of the Interweb Demons came from, but I was just trying to follow up on a little curiosity I found.
Facebook: Yes, curiosity is good. About your friends and their friends. You know they're curious about you...
Me: Stop ganging up! Nobody is going to care if I buy some used books or discount batteries. And they certainly don't want to know that Gramgram found a cheaper denture adhesive. Or that (gods forbid) Creepy Uncle Merv got a sweet deal on gummy bears and duct tape. Wait...
Amazon: See? We don't know Merv, but maybe if he had Shared his purchase, things would have turned out better. Yes? Or suppose We are compromised and someone uses your funds to buy their things? Might not your friends notice a sudden change in shopping habits?
Me: You know, they might. If I informed everyone about every single item I buy--
Amazon: Share your purchase!
Me: --they might eventually notice a pattern. And anyone paying enough attention might notice a deviation...
Amazon: It's all there.
Me: But this begs a pretty big question.
Amazon: What's that?
Me: WHY, after hacking my account, stealing my money, buying on my credit, did this would-be cyberthief TELL EVERYONE?
Amazon: He Shared his purchase.
Well that... that happened. I'm not sure what exactly but... Here's what I do know:
* Don't share your purchase. If you want people to know that badly, write a shitty poem and post that instead. It will achieve the same purpose, but be a helluva lot more interesting on the receiving end.
* The internet is out there. Be careful.
* The Uprising is further away than I thought. The machines, the cyber demons, the maniacal supercomputer? They don't stand a chance until they figure out human nature. Lucky for us, we don't make a damn bit of sense. We're crazy, unpredictable, emotional. And at the same time we're sane, obvious, boring. Our numbers are growing at unbelievable rates. Each one of us is unique, with worlds upon worlds hiding inside. I don't care if a psychic-genius-alien-robot-zombie-devil-dinosaur-computer-shaman lands tomorrow. By the time it figures out everything there is to know about us, we'll have forgotten half of it and changed our minds about the rest. Keep up the good work, everyone. We'll make it to the future yet.
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